“Over here,” the
salesman said, understanding my wife’s question perfectly, “you can
see a top-of-the-line system.”
We were in the middle of
Remodeling Hell. I had had no idea there were so many decisions
that could be made: kitchen cabinets, appliances, countertops,
sink, faucets, floors. Wall colors, trim, furniture, accents.
Window sizes and trim. Bathroom fixtures. And now: one very
specific bathroom fixture.
“This one,” he said rather
triumphantly, “has the Champion Flush.” My wife’s question had been
whether all toilets flushed the same.
I almost burst out
laughing right there. I pictured the day, sometime in the distant
future, when the remodel would be done, and I would be boasting of
its features. “And the toilet!” I would say. “You should see it!”
I could take people on a tour of the house, complete with
demonstration. “Listen to this!” I’d say. “It only uses one point
six gallons in less than a second!” Then, like the salesman was
doing now, I’d say, “Go ahead, reach under the rim there, feel the
size of those holes!” Although since the showroom toilet
hadn’t ever processed any actual waste, reaching into it was
something we were more comfortable doing.
But even
better, I would invite friends over to play with the new toy. “Hey
guys, why don’t you come over for chili dogs and beer. Then each of
us can do a champion flush.”
The salesman was a lovely
man, knowledgeable, attentive — but maybe taking his job a bit too
seriously. “In tests,” he said, “this unit was able to handle 29
golf balls in a single flush.” Then he saw the smirk on my face. “I
don’t know what happened to the 30th,” he deadpanned.
When I got home I Googled the phrase “29 golf balls.” Sure enough,
the first result at the time was the American Standard Champion
Flush system. The company was exceedingly proud of its technology.
It had trademarked the term “champion” in the context
of flushing toilets. It took to the road for live demonstrations,
encouraging customers to “Bring the whole family to Flush Fest.”
Who could have known that toilet technology would be such
a hot topic? In less than two years since my project began, the
innovations have flowed even faster: water-saving “green” toilets,
toilets with remote controls or automated sensors to raise and
lower the lid, and toilets with bidet-like functions to rinse and
dry your nether regions.
I can almost picture engineers
sitting around their brainstorming sessions. “We can rebuild
it. We have the technology. We can make it better than it was.
Better… stronger… faster.” The Six Million dollar Toilet.
Obviously I have no idea how much such technology costs.
But I’ll bet it’s worth it. Our lovely salesman informed us
that the Champion Flush was something like 30 percent more
expensive than the standard technology. And he said they were
selling well.
My wife finally convinced me that we didn’t
really have the budget for a Champion Flush. But weeks later when
Greg, our plumber, arrived to install the unit, he told me about a
mix-up at the warehouse. “You didn’t order it, but this is
actually the top-of-the-line model,” he said.
“Not the
Champion Flush!”
Now that it’s the distant future
and the remodel is totally finished, one of my favorite memories of
the entire experience is the look of approval the plumber gave me
right then. He knew I knew enough about his job to be up on the
latest trends in sustainable toilet technology. It was like having
a secret handshake as we said, in unison, “29 golf
balls.” And grinned.
John Clayton is a
contributor to Writers on the Range, a service of High Country News
(hcn.org). He writes and flushes in Red Lodge,
Montana.
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