Here in the Western lands,
there is said to be a cuisine called Tex-Mex, though some claim
that Rocky Mountain oysters is the true Western soul food.
Personally, I don’t think a bull’s scrotum is going to appear on
the great tables of the world. I have searched for our authentic
style and think I have found it, thanks to a simple device: You use
the Ketchup Index.
Ketchup Index Three (KI-3). This is
the highest level and it is assigned chiefly to fast-food
franchises and a few deserving private establishments. The clue to
a KI-3 is that ketchup comes spread on everything ordered. It
dribbles from sesame seed buns, decorates French fries, oozes
toward the apple pie. Ketchup pumps are scattered strategically in
case the food has learned to do the backstroke. A few pumps and any
food with a strong instinct for survival is doomed. These fine
Western food emporiums are found along Interstates and main drags
in cities. They are popular places for cowboys, ranchers and
old-time Westerners who can get their 3,000 calories for $3.99.
Ketchup Index Two (KI-2). The food in a KI-2 restaurant
is as good as that in a KI-3 place, but it is served without
ketchup applied by professionals. You do it your way. The clue to a
KI-3 rating is every table, counter and flat surface is strewn with
red plastic squeeze bottles.
There are two things that
KI-2 and KI-3 restaurants have in common: They are both found on
Interstates and multiple-lane streets with a lot of traffic lights.
The other is that their ketchup has no name. It is served in plain
red squeeze bottles that have been filled from large carboys
shipped to the restaurants in trailer trucks. The carboys are
filled from railroad tankers. It is not true that reputable
ketchup-makers are ashamed to admit their product goes to such
places. KI-2 and KI-3 restaurants demand generic packaging so their
competition will not discover the secret ingredients of their
sauce. Both purveyors of Western food also provide ketchup in
plastic or foil packets in case one has to add a little extra to
fine-tune the meal.
Ketchup Index One (KI-1). The tip-off
to a KI-1 rating is the ketchup has a name. A true Westerner knows
he is in a bad place. Sometimes the food cannot be made to taste
like ketchup — and it’s expensive to boot. A K-1 restaurant puts
name bottles of ketchup on each table and sometimes has a sign
outside that says “Fine Food.” A Western connoisseur can tell with
a glance how much a place will set him back. A bottle of Kuner’s,
for example, indicates a cheaper price than a Del Monte bottle. A
Heinz bottle is a sure sign you can barely afford being there. Not
only that, you have to hunker down in the booth and slowly
plop-plop ketchup on your order. At least a Kuner’s place has fast
ketchup. Another thing about a K-1 place is the waiters worry about
their cooks. From the concern of a waiter’s question: “Is
everything all right?” it would seem only drunks and incompetents
cook for them
K-3 or K-2 restaurants never ask; they know
the food attains the high standards of the Western taste.
Ketchup Index Zero (KI-0). Westerners try to stay away from these
places. Ketchup cannot be seen anywhere. They sometimes have
unpronounceable foreign names instead of Kountry Kitchen or Kozy
Korner. To add insult to this injury, a Western gourmet must ask
for ketchup. Sometimes when this happen, it arrives in a covered
bowl with a serving spoon. They claim what is served the
connoisseur is called “catsup”, a Malayan spiced fish sauce. In one
place, the chef arrives with two tomatoes and a blender on a tray.
It is said that in parts of Europe, probably France,
should a Westerner ask for ketchup, two men with no necks in chef’s
outfits pick up the offender and throw him out. Just as KI-3
restaurants never ask if the food is all right, they know it is
perfect because they put the ketchup on it to meet the exacting
standards of the Western palate. K-0 places never ask because they
want to avoid comments on the lousy taste of their bland and weird
un-ketchuped food. These restaurants simply cater to the foreigners
who have come to the West and thus have no appreciation for Western
food.
And where do I eat? I’m a KI-3, sometimes a KI-2.
You, too?
Rob Pudim is a contributor to Writers
on the Range, a service of High Country News (hcn.org). He closely
observes all things Western from his home in Boulder,
Colorado.
Republish our articles for free, online or in print, under a Creative Commons license.
