Yet another new intern
Sporting a black beret and a cheery attitude, the paper’s newest intern blew into the High Country Schmooze office last week, fresh from a blizzard of subpoenas and a lively book tour.
“All I want to do is buckle down and work real hard,” Moniker Looinsky said, smiling and winking at HCS publisher Ed Martian, who blanched and promptly barricaded himself in his office behind 10-foot-tall stacks of environmental impact statements.
“It’s great to be back in the West,” Moniker says. “I’m proud to be the first HCS intern to come to Paonia with her very own ghostwriter in tow.”
*Ima Green
The breakaway prairie dog republic of Varmintistan has reached a tentative peace accord with the United Steaks, AP reports. A spokesrodent announced that, as soon as their demands were met, militant separatists would free the hostages taken last month at the World Famous Outdoor-Lovers Annual Varmint Blast in Buford, N.D.
After an all-night session with the UN Security Council, Prezident Clinton agreed to formally cede the entire state of North Dakota to the prairie dogs, remarking that, “After all, we’ve got another Dakota already, don’t we, somewhere?”
*Dustin DeFurniture
The successful push by Western Republicans to sell off all the public lands means a lot of real estate has changed hands in the region. Most recently, the Republic of Germany purchased old Route 66 and instituted a mandatory dress code for travelers. “You can be der cowboy or you can be der Indian, but zee costume must be accurate,” spokesman Wolfgang Von Einztenvogelstkdblech told HCS. “Und please, call me “Bronco Bucky” now, OK?”
* Bill Meelater
High Country Cyanide?
The paper formerly known as High Country News has decided to change its name, following a surprise raid by the Environmental Protection Agency that resulted in the forced evacuation of the office building. Editor Bubbles Martian blames the whole fracas on a misunderstanding: “Apparently, HCN also stands for hydrogen cyanide, and when some concerned citizens heard us talking about how hard we work here to produce it, they got scared and reported us.”
Even after the cyanide scare was resolved, however, the EPA ordered the office closed down and designated a Superfund site, stating that a number of hazardous substances had been found on the premises. These included some “extremely volatile” letters to the editor and, most dangerous of all, “whatever that is in the back of the office refrigerator.”
*Ida Heddake
Enviro news made easy: Just fill in the blanks
Editor’s note: It’s a rare day here at HCS that we don’t get a call from a reader complaining that we haven’t covered his or her story, or that we’re ignoring some backwoods corner of the West in favor of more stories about Yellowstone and consensus and large handsome animals like grizzly bears. It’s a big job, covering the West. That’s why we’re bringing you the NEW INTERACTIVE HCS: an innovation that will save us time and you frustration. Just fill in the name of your group, the agency you’re suing, and the obscure critter you’re trying to save, send it along with a picture of yourself and $19.95, and watch for your story in an upcoming issue!
Sparking a firestorm of controversy, the grassroots environmental group ___________ today sued ___________ over the endangered __________ that lives only in the _________. A wealthy and powerful __________ wants to _________ on the land, and opponents say that they are against it because it is bad.
“It’s as if you were sensitive idealists like us, and Darth Vader took a dump on you,” said activist ________, who moved here recently from ________, Mass., in search of a quieter and more fulfilling and photogenic lifestyle. ____________ said that he/she had never actually seen one of the elusive creatures in question, but “I hear it’s small and furry and very, very cute.”
The developer was not in the phone book, so HCS was unable to reach him for comment. Informed locals described him as “a swine who doesn’t give a damn how his development looks from our back deck.”
But wise-use lawyer ___________, acting for the developer replied, “If it can’t be grown, it has to be mined, and you might as well shoot, shovel and shut up, because if you’re out of work and in the dark, eat an environmentalist. Besides, the “takings’ clause in the Constitution means we can “take” whatever we want, so “take” a hike already, OK???”
Agency officials insist they are working hard to mitigate the impacts. “We have a committee working on that,” ________, an agency spokesdroid, said. “We’re in the process of deciding how to begin to commence to start deciding how to set about beginning a strategy of mitigating the mitigation impacts. We’re setting up a series of public meetings, so everybody can come scowl at each other and perhaps hurl epithets and unite only in agreeing that it’s somehow our fault.”
Activist ________ says the fate of the endangered _________ is important to the rest of the world. “Even people who never actually visit may still buy second homes here, someday,” ________ said.
– Vera Handsome, HCS internee
Don’t miss these upcoming issues!
Hand-holding breaks out across the West: Another installment in the hard-hitting series, “I’m OK, you’re OK; Let’s chat.”
The repressed West: A lonesome, whiny region wonders why the “guvment” keeps picking on it.
This article appeared in the print edition of the magazine with the headline High Country Schmooze.
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