At first glance, it seemed
like just another mundane story about horse massacres and the role they
will play in starting the next American Revolution. Then we dug deeper and learned the details about the ex-CIA agent and his hog-tied co-worker,
not to mention the duck-killing dog. Ultimately, we confronted the dark
truth of the matter: This was a tale of land-use zoning.
When Trenton H. Parker, 64,
of Weld County, Colo., failed to abide by a court order to clean up
a bunch of old trailers on his land, he was sentenced to 90 days in
the clink. Parker responded in the only logical way: He posted a flier
asking for riflemen to help him kill 24 Russian Arabian horses. He also
left voice mails at the zoning department, threatening to stab the said
horses and bash in their skulls on the courthouse steps and other public
places. (Parker described the planned massacre as a “Tea Party,”
which has left us determined not to RSVP the next time we’re invited
to one.)
“The first horse that we’re
gonna kill is a beautiful gray stallion by the name of Independence,”
Parker enthusiastically told the Greeley Tribune. “When we
shoot him with one shot, make no mistake about it, it will be the first
shot of the second American Revolution. You think I’m kidding? You just
sit by and watch what happens.”
Parker, who ran in then dropped
out of the race for the U.S. Senate in the late 1970s as a Colorado
Republican, and who has been quoted in the tomes of conspiracy theorists
(ask him about Vince Foster; go ahead — we dare you) explained that
the slaughter was necessary because he couldn’t feed the horses in
jail. Besides, it would be a great protest of land-use regulations,
or at least help to silence any neigh-sayers.
But the revolution has been
delayed; Parker went to jail sooner than expected after his bond on
an unrelated, earlier charge was revoked. Parker’s dog had apparently
killed Parker’s co-worker’s duck, you see, and during a dispute
over the matter, Parker allegedly hog-tied said co-worker.
But that’s another story.
***
On the same day, in the same
newspaper, another lead caught our eye: “A mysterious, photo-filled
cow tongue found buried in a farmer’s field near Longmont is only one
of many in recent weeks to stir up curiosity across the country.”
We live in strange times, my
friends.
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