John Clayton

“Over here,” the salesman said, understanding my wife’s question perfectly, “you can see a top-of-the-line system.” We were in the middle of Remodeling Hell. I had had no idea there were so many decisions that could be made: kitchen cabinets, appliances, countertops, sink, faucets, floors. Wall colors, trim, furniture, accents. Window sizes and trim. Bathroom […]

When Caroline Lockhart wrote a novel about a notorious rustler in 1911, it ended with him thrown into a pit of rattlesnakes. Decades later, she encountered a rustler in real life and decided to have a hit man bump him off. Her contract on the life of the rustler is proving the most controversial part […]

In the last year I’ve done something that deeply offends some of my small-town neighbors: I’ve acquired a cell phone. Back when I was among the land-lined gentry, I used to think a cell phone was a reflection of lifestyle. People with mobile lifestyles — you commute to work, step out to meetings, travel to […]

When I realized a dozen years ago that my state’s license plates were issued chronologically, I felt stirrings of ambition. Here was a tiny yet visible status symbol, and all I had to do was wait. At that time my plate, after the county prefix, was 4786A, meaning that there were over 4,000 vehicles lined […]

At a friend’s garage sale several years ago, I saw a copy of Ivan Doig’s book, This House of Sky. I bundled it with my other purchases, but when she went to ring it up, I said, “Jean, I’m not going to pay for this one.” “Why not?” she demanded. I opened the front cover […]

A hotel in my town has rechristened its newly remodeled pub the “Silver Spur Lounge.” I’m sure they just grabbed the last available piece of cowboy mythology that hadn’t been snapped up by someone else in the local tourism industry. But the name still has me puzzled: What exactly about the reality of upscale downtown […]

Our small town has just suffered a profound loss: the departure of our treasured UPS deliveryman. Like Santa Claus, Tony always brought us treasures. The regular mail might bring bills or junk, but Tony’s brown truck always meant a package. Along with telephone, television and Internet, Tony was our link to the outside world. But […]

The biggest deterrent to crime in a small rural town may be the newspaper’s police blotter. With so little crime news, every infraction makes it into print. Worse, since everybody knows everybody, even your tiniest speeding ticket goes into a gigantic Gossip Database, to be recalled by little old ladies at the least appropriate moments. […]

The Wyoming Legislature is coming close to declaring the jackalope the state’s official mythical creature. A ferocious jackrabbit with horns, the jackalope was first portrayed by taxidermist Douglas Herrick in 1939, and now adorns gift shops and tacky postcards all over the state. An eight-foot jackalope statue greets entrants to the Wyoming State Fair, and […]

While teaching a class in Gardiner, Mont., I asked the teenagers for adjectives to describe their lives. “Boring,” one called out, because I sensed the kid knew that teenagers were supposed to be jaded. It was a cloak he could easily don, and by pretending to be bored he wouldn’t have to work very hard. […]

The big news in my small town has been the new automated checkout line at the grocery store. You scan the purchases yourself, and then give the machine your credit card, with no need for any human interaction. At least that’s how I’m told it works — I haven’t used the thing myself. It’s a […]

“I’m living on Nutting Street now,” a friend told me last week. “You know where that is?” “Of course not!” I responded. “This is a small town! Nobody remembers the names of streets!” When I lived in the city, I knew the old saw that rural people give directions using landmarks that no longer exist […]

If you’ve heard about the man who kicked off his campaign for governor by swinging a medieval battle sword on horseback in the middle of downtown Billings, you probably thought, “Only in Montana.” Glenn Schaffer posed at the offices of the local paper in February on a stallion named Big Dog Thunder Horse, and said […]

“Just grab a shirt and let’s go,” my girlfriend said. But I hesitated. We were going whitewater rafting with her mother, and the top T-shirt in my drawer proclaimed its wearer an “Uneducated Idiot.” Somehow it didn’t seem a wise message. The moment has resonated with me, in part because I live near Yellowstone National […]